I started this post in the dawning of the recent new moon which is carrying the energy of change. My work is about transformation and transformation is about change so this should be familiar territory for me. Right?
The thing about change is, it’s constant and, well – always changing – so it’s hard to stay on top of it. A recent wrist injury has me pondering how fast things can change. One minute I’m bouncing down the sidewalk on West Century Blvd near LAX “thinking of love and feeling groovy” and the next, tumbling to the sidewalk with more than my dignity ruffled up and backtracking to “slow down, you’re moving too fast”.
Scrambling to right myself, many thoughts arose. Slow down definitely resonates as I have fallen into pushing rather than allowing and yes, I get the pun about falling. It was 6:00 AM so I was probably thinking more about coffee than love and I was headed to Norma’s, a nearby family restaurant, to work before we headed to Venice Beach. Letting go and trusting things to unfold with ease and grace is part of it too. While trusting is something I am deeply committed to, I am very much a work in progress. The delicate balance between showing up and doing my part, and getting out of the way to allow what is emerging the space it needs, is something I get to play with almost every day.
I’ve learned to take note of my thoughts when something sudden and jarring, like falling, happens. As Mike Dooley, the author of Notes from the Universe reminds me daily, thoughts become things. I want to manifest love and abundance, not injury of any kind for anyone, so I try to pay attention to my thoughts.
I remember savouring the surprisingly cool LA dawn haze. So good so far. I felt lucky and eager to greet the day. There was a cyclist approaching and I didn’t want to hog the sidewalk with my laptop case on wheels, so I veered to the right. All good up to here. Was there a rogue thought that derailed me in that split second? My mentor, Jennifer, cautions against policing my thoughts but I can’t help but go over them. If I’m going to embrace these thoughts, I’m going to need to see them first after all.
The sound track underneath was one of worrying about the delays in launching my new website. Stepping back, this seems rather short sighted and may be the root of my fall. The next thought was the old pattern of feeling wrong. What was I being punished or corrected for? Had I become arrogant in some way? Was I back in the “git ‘er done” energy that was my go-to place for so long and not so long ago? A recovering Roman Catholic, I tell myself that guilt is still out, but when I get hurt it feels like punishment which feels like I somehow deserve it. This is not the “seeing the gift ” side of deserving of course. Crazy talk? Yes. Old, limiting belief I can let go of (again) – Yes. Sighhhh ….
If I was listening to someone else tell this story, I’d say, “it’s come up to be healed – a gift really, nothing to get caught up in.” So I remind myself of this wise counsel and move into witness mode. Many lessons are revealing themselves. Big reminder how everything can change in a heartbeat.
Pushing is not the way forward and I know this … until I forget to remember. It seems to me this fall is about walking in, or maybe, falling into, balance. When I fall into pushing forward, I forget I’m not alone. I forget to trust things to unfold with ease and grace. There’s a big part of me that wants very much to be in control, to have a plan or at least a map of where I’m headed. I’m a big-picture person that loves to see all the detail. Okay so I’m not leading but surely I can steer!
I am both inspired and humbled by Mother Theresa’s example. A recognized “earth angel” revered by many, Mother Theresa is known for referring to herself as “a little pencil in the hand of a writing God, who is sending a love letter to the world”. I love the spirit of that and Mother Theresa certainly proved herself to be a reliable and effective pencil. I find it much harder to get out of the way but this is my “big, hairy, audacious goal” as the saying goes. I want to be a hollow bone, hollow reed, empty vessel, clear channel – you say tomato, I say tomato. Whatever it is called, I do want to live, create and serve in as clean a way as possible.
One of my favourite inspirational authors, Julia Cameron, says, “Creativity is God’s gift to us and using it is our gift back to God.” It seems the most gracious thing to do would be to use the gift and thereby return the favour. Living the life we are gifted with is a creative process that requires both showing up and getting out of the way.
Life is like that blank canvas that is being painted one brush stroke at a time. We are the brushes painting our own lives. Some days there are graceful, flowing lines that sing a melody and other days there are bold, almost violent gashes that disrupt whatever harmony has been established and demand attention. It all makes for a juicy and riveting painting. As the brushes painting the canvas of our lives, we get to dance with Spirit’s melody – or resist though pushing, denying, fighting for control or any number of painful and, ultimately futile delay tactics. Best to fall into step and let Spirit lead I think.